Sunday, January 16, 2005

2005: SET YOUR WATCH TO AWESOME, part one.

So, the day after I made this post, I woke up in the morning with a dead watch battery. True story. The power got fixed, but I still haven't replaced my watch battery, so if you ask me what time it is, I am obligated to reply, "It's Hammer time."

My watch may say 8:32 in perpetuity, but it doesn't matter, because it's clearly AWESOME O'CLOCK. The awesome began shortly before 2005 started and has continued non-stop ever since. I knew it would be an interesting visit home when I finally got in the door (travelling Kingston to Waterloo took more than EIGHT HOURS) to find my mother almost too intoxicated to walk. "I'd help you with your bags, but I'm drunk off my ass!" she said, and then nearly fell into the closet. She had had two White Russians at our neighbour's place and had barely been able to make it home. I asked her to make me a grilled cheese, which might have been inconsiderate since it may have endangered her safety, but it was sure funny. "Where's the CHEEEEEESE? Oh, I put it back in the fridge. Why did I DO that?"

Vanessa, my heterosexual life partner, came down to Kitchener-Waterloo for New Year's, as it was a short drive down the 401 from the similar cultural wasteland of Burlington. The night she arrived, we decided to go to Wonders of Winter, Waterloo Park's annual bright-non-denominational-lights display. Because what is December all about if not puking dinosaurs? (2 second .avi)

Santa's Ho Line, Vanessa will be your operator this evening.

Me, riding that nativity ass. Jesus really looks like a football.

On the run from the fuzz! ("Indiana wants me, but I can't go back there . . .")

Nothing says Christmas like . . .

Yeah, we don't know either. Do the kids even watch Pokemon anymore? (The best part is that the nativity scene was just behind this and to the left.)

See also: Na na na na na na na na, na na na na na na na na, BATMAN! (2 second .avi)

The next day, which was New Year's Eve, we went to the Kitchener Value Village to try to find dresses for fake prom. We had no success, but Vanessa tried on a very well-designed curtain and I tried on something that made me look like a stewardess from the 1970s, but not in a hot way. It was very . . . orange.

Since Vanessa, Lang, and I spent our summer meeting every week to watch (and mock, while secretly all becoming very involved and attached) Canadian Idol, it would have seemed like a waste if we didn't go to Kalan Porter's free concert at Kitchener City Hall that night.

When we got there, a UW campus band called Glory Fades were playing "I Want You To Want Me" by Cheap Trick, which they introduced as having been covered in 10 Things I Hate About You. They screwed up the words, which is impressive considering that there are not a lot of them, but when you've never played for a sea of screaming girls before, I guess the nerves can get to you. They also pandered to the audience with a cover of "Bye Bye Bye" by 'N SYNC, during which they fumbled the words again. As for their originals, they sounded kind of like latter-day Get-Up Kids, but with the whining turned up and the competence somewhat turned down. They refer to themselves as "heartrock". I really don't need to say anything more. They reminded me of a bizarroverse version of The Radical Dudez, but not really in a good way.

I have to say, as a veteran of a couple of Backstreet Boys concerts in my younger days (one of which made me hear everything like it was underwater for six days after), the scream when Kalan Porter took the stage was kind of underwhelming. Maybe kids these days just don't have the same stamina for screeching. Meat hormones? Who knows?

Kalan Porter, amplified to ROCK! Or something.

"Look, he's EMOTING!"

It was a decent and inoffensive performance. (Well, that's not true, I found the black leather pants on the guitarist who looked like Sideshow Bob kind of offensive.) I was all excited when they covered "The Devil Went Down To Georgia," complete with madd fiddle skillz, but the crowd was uniformly too young to know what was going on. I was impressed when he didn't play "Awake In A Dream" at any point during his 45+ minute set. It was totally like Nirvana not playing "Smells Like Teen Spirit." Kalan Porter is so punk rock!!!1 And he's so socially conscious, like when he was talking about "that . . . thing in Southeast Asia." Whatever, he doesn't get paid to pronounce the word 'tsunami,' so don't hate.


The Canadian Idol concert had been a dry event, so we drove back to my house to uncork some less 13-year-old-girl-friendly festivities.

Customized B.A. Johnston-style bubbly, courtesy of V. ("If I was cool as Humpty Dumpty, the ladies would all rub my rumpty-rumpty/Go to the club, we're not drinking 50, Humpty Dumpty and B.A. are drinking bubbly/BUBBLEH! BUBBLEH!" Download here.)

We went through the entire bottle by making toasts, which was kind of like a drinking game without the "game" part. Then my mom's CD changer put on Diana Ross & The Supremes' greatest hits, so I sang "You Can't Hurry Love" drunk in my kitchen while Vanessa took incriminating pictures. That sounds like a very depressing way for a single person to ring in the New Year, but it was actually kind of awesome. After we ran out of bubbly, we moved onto hard liquor and classic rock downstairs. New Year's Day hurt real bad. We watched a lot of Much More Music, yelling "ONE! TWO! THREE! FOURTEEN!" every time they played a commercial for a U2 special, and then went through some skate videos trying to find all the sackings so we could laugh at someone else's pain.


(This is, uh, something else. What makes it even better/worse is that the milk song totally sounds as if it's being done by the Counting Crows.)