Thursday, December 29, 2005

big pimpin'


For the season of conspicuous consumption, my aunt and uncle gave me a ridiculously pimped-out white housecoat, or bathrobe, or something. It is resplendent and funny regardless of its purpose. It reminds me of those hip-hop videos that take place in tropical or pseudo-tropical locations, where the guys sit around the pool all covered up in fancy white bathrobes while surrounded by hot, wet, oiled-up women in bikinis who stroke the guy's forearms suggestively and moan a lot. Except I would be sitting by the empty pool behind my apartment building, which overlooks a frozen Lake Ontario, surrounded by fully-clothed, tall shaggy-haired dudes with big noses who would be totally indifferent to my presence, because apparently I'm into that, and arguing about who has more scene points while I performed a hip-hop remix of Yes' "Owner of a Lonely Heart," cold and ignored, but wearing an awesome bathrobe. I feel like that video would not make it to "VIBE-Rated" status on Much.

In light of my tendency to fail at . . . well . . . most of the things that are important to me, or that should be important to me, I have decided to adopt a second WWJD: What Would Jay-Z Do? It's not like I'm jumping ship on the OG WWJD -- I can deduce that Jesus didn't hand in all his Hebrew school assignments late, or sleep through class, or skip his exams, or go to synagogue hungover -- but I feel like some contemporary guidance would also be useful. As a successful businessman ("I'm not a businessman -- I'm a BUSINESS, MAN!") and artist, I am sure Jay-Z has an excellent work ethic and good time management skills. I need to do a little more hustling and a little less paralyzed-by-simultaneous-fears-of-failure-and-success. Maybe I will get an inspiring Jay-Z poster for my work space in the New Year. It will also remind me that I have a limited at best future in drug dealing or hip-hop and should probably stay in school (because obviously that's all I can do without a degree???).

I told Vanessa about my plan, and she said "Oh Jay-Z, if you can motivate Meghan, is there anything left you CAN'T do?" and I said "Shut your face or I'll have my posse pepper-spray you faster than you can say 'R. Kelly.'"

The above jokes were:
a) one year behind the times
b) about two years behind the times
c) so irrelevant as to be edgy and provocative
d) NO.

Almost everyone and their dog has seen this, but if you and your cat have not, here's SNL's amazing Chronicles of Narnia rap, "Lazy Sunday." That's what I want to be when I grow up.